You know there comes a time in every mans life when you have to decide what you want to be when you grow up. Some want to be a doctor, some a fireman, some of you may have wanted to be a police officer. Hell some of you may even have dreamed of being President!
Now for most of my life I dreamed of being just one thing. ME!
And what is so wrong with that? I already knew how to be me, I was good at being me and there is no one in the world who can say they are me but me! Its a rather exclusive profession for which I am extremely qualified.
I have run into plenty of people who tried to be me but couldn't handle the stress of being me, after awhile they had to go back to being someone else. I don't know if anyone could possibly be me but me, it takes lots of will power and discipline to pull it off. So I have been happy with my decision most of my life, that is until I started racing bicycles!
At first I wanted to be George Hincape, he seemed like such a nice guy, and since I have had little practice at that in life, I figured it would be fun to have people say nice things about me for a change. Then I saw his wife and realized she was way out of my league so I moved to my next choice.
Alberto Contador!
Yep, he's the real deal for sure, but there are two problems. One I don't speak Spanish so that's a problem right there and two, he looks like he eats nothing but vegetables. OK now we have a problem. I am a Texan, Texans eat meat and lots of it. Brisket, Sausage, Pork, Chicken, Ham, Turkey, Rabbit, Goat, Dove, Quail. If it can be shot and BBQ'd then it goes on the dinner table. So Contador gets the boot!
Next up Tom Boonen, the gift of looks and speed all in one package. He was right at the top of the cycling food chain! And since he liked to party with the ladies it was a match made in heaven. Yea right!One trip to the weather channel and after realizing how shitty the weather is in Belgium I said screw that and moved on to Floyd Landis.
Well, that lasted all of about 2 minutes. No it had nothing to do with his supposed doping, I figure he is innocent anyway and the French just cant stand another American kicking their ass on their home court so they framed him. No I moved on because he is younger than me and already has a screwed up hip. By the time he's my age he will probably need a walker. Next choice please!
Well its time to face the facts, if you want to be any current cyclist in the world there is only one choice Mr Lance "I don't need two balls to have children" Armstrong! That's right, the guy is so strong even on one testicle he produced a great looking child. Hell on two full running gonads my kid would turn out looking like Quasimodo! Lance is the MAN!
Well at least I thought so!
Over the last year I have been keeping tabs on an up and coming cyclist who you may have heard of before. Fabian Cancallara!
Yes I know he has not won a single grand tour let alone the 7 Lance has won but over the last year he has destroyed everyone who has come up against him. He is good looking, and his style is effortless, he looks like he is just out for a Sunday ride while killing everyone else in the race.
Now don't get me wrong, I would still be Lance if Lance would let me be Lance, even for a day that would be awesome. He has got good looks, plenty of money, gets to hang out with rich and powerful people, and other than sucking at golf, he has got it all. Now of course I know that he is testicularly challenged but think about it. He gave up one, apparently unneeded body part to kick Cancers ass. Hell, if it came down to Cancer and living, you could take my joystick and call me Nancy! I don't use it anyway, I'm married!
But as much as I would like to be Lance for a day, I think being Fabian for a day might even be better. A time trialing God, a classics rider unlike any around these days, and he is from Switzerland. I love the mountains, skiing in virgin powder, or skiing in virgins, either works for me. And I love hot chocolate! You know Swiss Miss, um good!
Lance or Fabian! Who should I be? I guess I would be either for a day if I could, but that's it, 1 day. Anymore than that and I might start thinking I am a cycling God and lose touch with the common folk, the ones who make my life so meaning full and whole.
And my wife would probably kick my ass if I was hanging out with hot women all the time. I don't see the problem though, she can hang out with all the hot women she wants. You'd never hear me complain.
That's just the kind of guy I am!
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