The stupid shit we do, and the stupid people who talk us into doing it.

"If you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same result". Probably the smartest thing Anthony Robins ever said! You know Anthony Robins right? The motivation speaker. Well I think an adjustment can be made that makes that statement even more correct.
"If you keep hanging around stupid people, they will just keep talking you into doing stupid shit" There. Now that is much better!
So we used to have a fun little bike ride on Thursday nights here in Austin and everyone looked forward to coming to it. It was about 20 miles long and included some hills, or more precisely, some pretty steep hills. Now when we first started doing the ride everyone just rode together and suffered together and just enjoyed the fellowship of the ride.
Well after awhile some "stupid people" decided that it needed to be a race instead and proceeded to haul ass around the course as fast as they could. Well being the mentally retarded type of people that bike riders are, we all followed along and pretty soon our nice little hill ride was a full on, puke your guts out, hope I don't have a heart attack throw down.
Well this went on for awhile until all the vertically challenged people figured out that unless they stopped eating for a month they were never going to keep up with the anorexic, all lung no brain dip shits that were making there life miserable every Thursday. So the ride fell apart.

Well, now that a few years have passed by it occurred to us that we missed the Thursday Hill ride so we decided to restart it and since we already race on Thursday night, we decided to move it to Tuesday night instead.

Now I consider Jason a friend, you know the kind of friend that you can turn to for support, the kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back, well if he had another one to put on anyway. Just an all around good guy. And I have spent many a day riding around town with Jason. You know just talking and exploring new roads that we had not been on before. And I also have eaten dinner with Jason a lot. And when I say a lot I mean that I have lived in Austin for 20 years and I have known Jason for 3 of those years. In the first 17 years I had probably eaten at 25 different restaurants in town. In the 3 years I have known Jason I have probably eaten at 200 restaurants with him. Jason's goal is to eat at every place there is in Austin, and as "stupid" as that sounds, he probably has a better than 75% chance of doing just that. I think he eats out at least 3 times a day, maybe more.
So anyway, Jason in his infinite "stupidity" has decided that we will restart the hill ride and since we have found all these new roads to ride, we will link them into one big loop.
A Super Hill Ride!

Now, me being the good friend that I am, and not wanting to rock the boat as it were, I decided that he had a great idea and went along with his new plan.
"STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES"!
So this last Tuesday we set out on the maiden voyage of the Super Hill Ride.
You know I have often wondered what it was like to be on the Titanic while it was sinking slowly into the deep, dark depths of the Pacific. The freezing cold water sucking the air from your lungs and your muscles convulsing in pain and agony. It must have been horrible!
Well, that sounds like a day at the beach after giving Jason's new Super Hill Ride a go. I mean seriously, what dumb ass would think up this shit! "Well at least we are not racing up these climbs" NO SHIT. Its bad enough that you go out and find a steep hill to climb without finding another one, and then another one, and then another one, one after another with sometimes no rest between them. I swear my heart was beating so loudly, I set off a car alarm when I rode by one. And most of us only did the first half of the ride. Luckily one of the guys that was riding over to join us for the "stupidity" got hit by a car and was delayed, he had to wait to fill out a police report or we might have had enough sunlight to do the whole thing. Thank You Jim for taking one for the group! We all owe you dinner. (Jim was OK, just some minor scratches).
Whats funny is the ring leader, the designer, the architect, the freaking prison warden didn't even do the ride with us. Yep, Jason had to go to his daughters softball game so he skipped our little ride. How convenient!
Now to be fair, Jason did go do the ride earlier in the day, and in fact he did the whole enchilada, the full ride, the big kahuna. What a "stupid" move that was!
I saw him about 20 minutes after he got finished in the parking lot and he looked like shit! Not brown and smelly, but white as a ghost,(and smelly). He was trying to tell me about the ride but with all the drooling and passing out he was doing, it made it hard to understand him. I asked him if he needed anything to eat and he said that he had just had some chicken. I asked "wings or legs?" he said "Whole". If I hadn't seen the bones I wouldn't have believed him.
I tried to get more information about the ride and what we would be facing later in the evening when my little party would be heading out, but he just kept mumbling about how much pain he was in, and if I had the numbers for his next of kin. He seemed to be suffering somewhat, which I though was fitting since he thought up the "stupid" ride anyway. Well he finally figured out how to start his car and headed off to go to his daughters softball game. I think he was OK to drive, although until he was able to just miss the mailbox before getting on the highway I was unsure.I guess the brake and accelerate can be confusing sometimes.
Thank God he wasn't in a Toyota!
I do remember him saying something to the effect of "I am gonna be late for my daughters basketball game, she is pitching for the Yankees tonight". I knew what he meant to say even if he didn't!

I want to be Fabian Cancallara not Lance Armstrong!

You know there comes a time in every mans life when you have to decide what you want to be when you grow up. Some want to be a doctor, some a fireman, some of you may have wanted to be a police officer. Hell some of you may even have dreamed of being President!

Now for most of my life I dreamed of being just one thing. ME!

And what is so wrong with that? I already knew how to be me, I was good at being me and there is no one in the world who can say they are me but me! Its a rather exclusive profession for which I am extremely qualified.

I have run into plenty of people who tried to be me but couldn't handle the stress of being me, after awhile they had to go back to being someone else. I don't know if anyone could possibly be me but me, it takes lots of will power and discipline to pull it off. So I have been happy with my decision most of my life, that is until I started racing bicycles!

At first I wanted to be George Hincape, he seemed like such a nice guy, and since I have had little practice at that in life, I figured it would be fun to have people say nice things about me for a change. Then I saw his wife and realized she was way out of my league so I moved to my next choice.

Alberto Contador!

Yep, he's the real deal for sure, but there are two problems. One I don't speak Spanish so that's a problem right there and two, he looks like he eats nothing but vegetables. OK now we have a problem. I am a Texan, Texans eat meat and lots of it. Brisket, Sausage, Pork, Chicken, Ham, Turkey, Rabbit, Goat, Dove, Quail. If it can be shot and BBQ'd then it goes on the dinner table. So Contador gets the boot!

Next up Tom Boonen, the gift of looks and speed all in one package. He was right at the top of the cycling food chain! And since he liked to party with the ladies it was a match made in heaven. Yea right!One trip to the weather channel and after realizing how shitty the weather is in Belgium I said screw that and moved on to Floyd Landis.

Well, that lasted all of about 2 minutes. No it had nothing to do with his supposed doping, I figure he is innocent anyway and the French just cant stand another American kicking their ass on their home court so they framed him. No I moved on because he is younger than me and already has a screwed up hip. By the time he's my age he will probably need a walker. Next choice please!

Well its time to face the facts, if you want to be any current cyclist in the world there is only one choice Mr Lance "I don't need two balls to have children" Armstrong! That's right, the guy is so strong even on one testicle he produced a great looking child. Hell on two full running gonads my kid would turn out looking like Quasimodo! Lance is the MAN!

Well at least I thought so!

Over the last year I have been keeping tabs on an up and coming cyclist who you may have heard of before. Fabian Cancallara!

Yes I know he has not won a single grand tour let alone the 7 Lance has won but over the last year he has destroyed everyone who has come up against him. He is good looking, and his style is effortless, he looks like he is just out for a Sunday ride while killing everyone else in the race.

Now don't get me wrong, I would still be Lance if Lance would let me be Lance, even for a day that would be awesome. He has got good looks, plenty of money, gets to hang out with rich and powerful people, and other than sucking at golf, he has got it all. Now of course I know that he is testicularly challenged but think about it. He gave up one, apparently unneeded body part to kick Cancers ass. Hell, if it came down to Cancer and living, you could take my joystick and call me Nancy! I don't use it anyway, I'm married!

But as much as I would like to be Lance for a day, I think being Fabian for a day might even be better. A time trialing God, a classics rider unlike any around these days, and he is from Switzerland. I love the mountains, skiing in virgin powder, or skiing in virgins, either works for me. And I love hot chocolate! You know Swiss Miss, um good!

Lance or Fabian! Who should I be? I guess I would be either for a day if I could, but that's it, 1 day. Anymore than that and I might start thinking I am a cycling God and lose touch with the common folk, the ones who make my life so meaning full and whole.
And my wife would probably kick my ass if I was hanging out with hot women all the time. I don't see the problem though, she can hang out with all the hot women she wants. You'd never hear me complain.
That's just the kind of guy I am!